Gopher It/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: What's this Mayor Challenge? Brent Leroy: Ah, Fitzy's lookin' for ways to put Dog River on the map. Wanda Dollard: Yeah, whenever election time rolls around, he starts to pretend he cares. Hank Yarbo: How can you guys be so cyclical? Wanda: That's cynical. Lacey: Maybe he meant we talk in circles. We do that sometimes. Hank: Yeah, Wanda. If you weren't so cyclical, you'd know that. So let me tell you my idea. It's kinda big. Lacey: Wait. Why don't you think about it before you say it out loud. Hank: Okay, I'll think about it. Okay, I thought about it. You know how in Regina they have all those painted pig statues and Toronto has all those painted statues of mooses? Wanda: Moose? Hank: No, there's more than one. Well, anyway, I was thinkin', uh, you know, we should do the same thing here. Brent: Do what, confuse plurals? Hank: Yeah. No. No, we should get local people to paint statues of prairie dogs. Lacey: You know, I hate to say it, but I think Hank is on to something. Brent: Me too. Good job, Hank. Wanda: Yeah. That's the best idea you've ever had. Hank: Really? You like it? Wanda: Mmm, no. But it's the best idea you've ever had. Karen Pelly: Since when do we have to meet the mayor at eight in the morning? Davis Quinton: He's in campaign mode. He's different when he's campaigning. He's a feral beast, a hunter, a shark, an uncaring eating machine. Karen: No one's even running against him. Davis: Just remember, we're part of the team. Karen: We're the police. We should be separate. Davis: Are you a spy? Karen: For who? No one's running against him. Davis: I'm keepin' an eye on you. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Quinton, Pelly. What's the word on the streets? Karen: Don't you mean "street"? Davis: I haven't heard anything, sir. This election is yours. Fitzy: I guess my strategy of no one running against me is working. Hank: Hey, I got an idea for improvin' the town. Karen: You're moving? Geez, I don't normally slam Hank, but it's just so easy. Hank: Just let me tell ya my idea. Fitzy: Sorry, I'm kinda busy. Hank: Wow. Maybe everyone in town's right, this is just a cyclical ploy. Davis: Don't you mean cynical? Karen: If it means it happens every election, it actually is cyclical. Davis: Maybe we should hear him out. If we pretend to listen to the common man, it could put us over the top. Karen: Over the top of what? Emma Leroy: So that's your big idea to put Dog River on the map, a casino? Oscar Leroy: People love them. They got the machines that go bing, bing, bing, guys in the vests, ringette wheels. Emma: A casino's a bad idea. Oscar: Name one bad thing about casinos. Emma: People become problem gamblers and lose all their money. Oscar: If you take a problem gambler's money away, problem solved. See? You just don't think things through. Emma: That would explain the ring on my finger. Hank: And everyone gets to paint 'em, just like in Toronto with the moose, uh, mooses. Fitzy: You know, of all the ideas I've heard, yours is the first. Let's do it. Hank: Really? Fitzy: I'm gonna order some big gophers to paint. Hank: I said prairie dogs. And, and I want 'em to be regular size. Karen: But they'll only be this big. Hank: That's what I want. Fitzy: Now, how do we keep them from squirming around? Davis: I think they're statues. Fitzy: Good. Problem solved. Oscar: I've got a good idea for the Mayor's Challenge. But I've got a reputation as a... Lacey: Curmudgeonly coot? Oscar: No. Lacey: A fly-off-the-handle crank? Oscar: No. Lacey: Mmm, a lovable eccentric? Oscar: What was the first one? Lacey: What's your idea? Oscar: Oh. It's that we get a casino. But Fitzy not gonna listen to me, so if you tell him it's your idea, he might do it. Lacey: Well, there's one problem. I don't want a casino here. Oscar: You're not listening. You just have to pretend that you want it. Lacey: Uh-huh. Brent: Maybe we should build a subway system, or a series of canals. I could drive a gondola. Wanda: You mean like a gondolier? Brent: No, like a regular-size gondola. Oscar: What about a casino? Brent: A regular-size one? Oscar: It's Lacey's idea. She says we should build a casino. Brent: Really? That doesn't sound like something Lacey would say. In fact, just the other day... Brent: Hey, Lacey, you wanna play some pinochle for matchsticks? Lacey: Uh, how many matchsticks? Is it legal? Maybe we shouldn't. It could lead to pennies and then who knows what. No. This is a bad idea. Brent: She's not exactly Doyle Bronson. Oscar: No, she's really into it. She wanted me to tell the mayor, but he won't listen to me. Wanda: A casino's a bad idea. It leads to crime and poverty, mediocre magicians, lame hypnotists. Oscar: Yeah. So which one of you is gonna go tell him? Oscar: I know Brent and Wanda wanted to be here to present their idea of building the casino... Fitzy: Oscar, I'm in the middle of a campaign. Please, shut up. Emma: Don't you tell my husband to shut up. Oscar: Yeah, you can't mouth off at me like that. Emma: He just told you to shut up. Fitzy: I haven't got time for this. I've got a press conference. Fitzy: First of all, welcome to the press, and to my fellow citizens, and especially Hank, who had this great idea to paint big gophers. Karen: I think he wanted prairie dogs. Hank: Yeah, regular size. Davis: The Mayor doesn't have time to second guess his decision. Karen: He didn't even first guess his decision. Davis: Well, he can't. He's a tiger, a scorpion, a thing with horns. Jenny (Press Conference Denizen #1): Hank's right. It should be regular sized gophers. Hank: No, no, prairie dogs. Wes Humboldt (Press Conference Denizen #2): Prairie dogs? You're crazy. Helen Jensen (Press Conference Denizen #3): Prairie dogs make sense. They should just be big prairie dogs. Fitzy: Look, to make everyone happy, I'm ordering a crate of fibreglass gophers and prairie dogs, big and small. But don't worry, they're statues, so they'll be much easier to paint. Emma: Excuse me, everyone. I also have an announcement to make. I'll be running for mayor, on the platform of bringing a casino to Dog River. Jenny: Big or small? Wes: Can we paint it? Emma: I'm already sorry I did this. Lacey (phone): Okay, bye, bye. Lacey: That was my sister, you know the one I never talk about? Brent: Sure. I remember you not mentioning her. Lacey: Yeah. Well, she works for Canada AM, and she wants some people in town to be interviewed by the show about this whole prairie dog thing. Brent: Really? Wow, that network will put anything on the air. Beverly Thomson: It seems a little town in Saskatchewan is in the middle of an election. The hot button issue, prairie dogs versus gophers. Seamus O'Regan: With a story like that, you know the fur's gonna fly. We're joined now by some folks from Dog River. Let's start with Hank Yarbo. Hank, when you proposed this idea, is it fair to say that people didn't "gopher" it? Hank: Uh, no, they liked the idea. Seamus: Okay. No, but did they "gopher" it? Hank: Yes, they went for it, Seemiss. Bev: But what's all the fuss? Are gophers and prairie dogs that different? Wanda: Well, from a taxonomy point of view, prairie dogs are members of the squirrel family, while gophers are members of the family Geomyidae. Of course, I don't want to get into a big discourse on morphology. Seamus: Oh, would that we could. Emma Leroy, you're running for mayor. Now what's your position on gophers and prairie dogs? Emma: Oh, I don't have one. I'm running on a platform of bringing a casino to Dog River. Bev: Why do you want a casino? Emma: I don't. Uh, the mayor told my husband to shut up. Bev: Well, thanks. It sounds like a whale of a tale. Seamus: No, Beverly. You see, all my puns had to do with gophers. Bev: Oh, lighten up, "Seemiss." Fun facts about Greek vacations, coming up next. Wanda: Oh, uh, did you know that the national anthem of Greece has 158 verses? Just puttin' it out there. Hank: Can I get a campaign donation? Lacey: How much? Hank: Oh, I don't know, like ten grand. Lacey: Hey, Wanda. Wanda: Hey. So? Lacey: So...? Wanda: So, what did you think of the show? Lacey: The show. Well, I, I thought the show was good. You know, Emma seemed reasonable and confident. Hank, you were a little crazy, and you came off as very knowledgeable. Wanda: Did you actually watch the show or are you bluffing based on the stuff you think you already know about us? Lacey: How did I do? Wanda: Spot on. Hank: Ten grand isn't that much. The jet fuel alone is... Lacey: No. Davis: Licence and registration, ma'am. Emma: What's this about? Are you trying to intimidate me? Davis: You're messing with forces, powerful forces. Ya play with fire, it'll bite ya. Karen: What are you doing, Davis? Davis: She was speeding. Emma: I was parked. Davis: She was loitering. Karen: I'm sorry, Emma. I don't know what got into him. Emma: Thanks, Karen. Thanks, Sergeant Stupid. Davis: I'm lettin' you off with a warning. Karen: Is that Fitzy lurking? Davis: You just ticked off the rhinoceros. Rob Bennett: Are you Brent Leroy? Brent: I wish. Okay, yes I am. Bennett: Rob Bennett. I represent the Pump N' Go chain. Brent: No, you don't. A little marshmallow guy ridin' a doughnut represents the Pump N' Go chain. Bennett: That's an oil filter riding on a tire. Brent: Oh, okay. Because I always thought, "A black doughnut. What's that about?" Bennett: This prairie dog, gopher thing, it's really startin' to take off. Corner Gas is poised to do some serious business here. We'd like to help you take it to the next level, by having you join the Pump N' Go family. Brent: Well, I don't know. This business has been in our family for a lot of years. Bennett: You know, I totally understand. Think it over. Here's our offer. Brent: Did you forget a decimal point? Bennett: There is no decimal point, Brent. Brent: Wow, that is a lot of money. Mind you, I'd probably have to change this patch on my shirt. Bennett: You get a whole new shirt. Brent: Holy crap! Really? Hank: You can't sell Corner Gas. Wanda: Yeah. Why would you want a wad of cash when you can have a gas station with Hank in it? Lacey: This is a big decision, Brent. It's not just chili cheese dog or no chili cheese dog. Brent: That's no decision. Chili cheese dog. Hank: Think about it, Wanda. If Brent sells, you'll have to wear one of them Pump N' Go uniforms. Wanda: Brent, you can't sell the gas station. It's a job that I love! By the way, I can't work tomorrow. I've gotta talk to Seamus and Bev. Brent: Bev? You're on a first syllable basis with Bev? Hank: Man, I wish I never had this prairie dog idea. Brent: Hank, you shouldn't feel guilty because you had a good idea. You should feel shocked or bewildered, but not guilty. Lacey: Hey Brent, have you talked to your dad about this? I mean, it was his gas station too. Maybe he has some sentimental attachment to it. Brent: Oh. I never thought of that. Oscar: How dare you! How dare you keep the Pump N' Go people waiting! Sell it! Sell it now! Get them on the phone! Brent: What do you think, Mom? Emma: It's not my business. I don't mean that in a none of my business sense. The business literally isn't mine. Brent: Hey, shouldn't you be out campaigning? Emma: Why? I don't want to win. Brent: Oh. Oscar: Maybe I'll meet that Pump N' Go muffin with the hula hoop. Brent: It's an oil filter on a tire. Don't you know anything? Bev: It's time for our weekly look at all things Dog River with Wanda Dollard. Hi, Wanda. Wanda: Hey, Bev. Bev: It's Beverly. Wanda: Hiya Shamey. Seamus: Oh, Wanda. You are a delight. Bev: But back to Dog River. I understand you had a very special visitor come to town this week. Interviewer: Mr. Prime Minister, what do you make of this controversy? Stephen Harper: Now, look. I like prairie dogs and I like gophers. But, sadly, neither were given the respect they deserve under the previous Liberal Government. Interviewer: If you had to choose one, which would it be? Harper: Well, I guess I'd pick prairie dogs. No, no, gophers. I meant to say gophers. Wanda: That's the first time a sitting Prime Minister has visited Dog River since Diefenbaker, in 1963. Seamus: Really? That's great, Wanda. Wanda: Both Conservative Prime Ministers from the West. Seamus: Well, we'll check in with you next week. Wanda: Oh. But I've got more fun facts. Bev: We know. Hank: My polling's got me at 12 percent. Lacey: Your polling? Hank: Well, I just asked a couple people, but, yeah. Lacey: Ah. Brent: Hey, I'm glad you're here. I'm selling Corner Gas. Hank: What? This is terrible! It, it's awful! I'm, I'm gonna be sick to my stomach! Jane (Woman): Well, I won't have what he's having. Seamus: Welcome back to Canada AM. So we go now to Dog River for the election results with Wanda Dollard. Wanda: Well, it's official. Emma Leroy is the new Mayor of Dog River. Bev: So the casino idea was obviously popular? Wanda: No. It's just the big gopher, little gopher, big prairie dog, little prairie dog votes all cancelled each other out. Seamus: So, what will Emma Leroy bring to the office of Mayor? Wanda: Honesty. She openly ran on a platform that she didn't believe in, and that stuck a chord with voters. They knew what they weren't getting. Seamus: Thanks for this, Wanda. And, um, nice shirt, by the way. Wanda: Thanks, Shamey. Beverly. Karen: Well, it looks like the shark lost its bite, the tiger lost its stripes, the unicorn lost its corn. Davis: I thought his concession speech was very brave. Fitzy: You're all rubes, rubes! Well, you won't have Old Fitzy to kick around. Could someone give me a boost? Emma: Come in. Karen: Hi, Emma. Oh, hi, Karen. Davis: Congratulations, Emma. Emma: That's Mayor Leroy to you. Bennett: Here's the cheque. Brent: Oh. I, I thought it would be bigger, like one of these deals. Bennett: Great. Well, we're done. Brent: Well, better get at it. I'm gonna work harder for you guys than I ever did for myself. That's actually not saying much. Bennett: Actually, your services won't be needed. Brent: What? But you said your stores were operated by previous owners. Bennett: Meet the new manager of the Dog River Pump N' Go. Oscar: Have a nice day, jackass. Emma: And so I've decided to promote Karen to Chief of Police. Karen: Oh, wow! Emma, I, I, I don't know what to say. Davis: Say she's crazy and you can't accept the position. Karen: Stand down, Constable. Emma: You should work out just fine. Davis: Well, what's gonna happen to me? Davis: She's so beautiful. Emma: Aww. Davis: Thank you, Emma. Emma: You're welcome. Emma: No, not that. Davis' New Partner: So, you're from Dog River, huh? Davis: Dog River! Davis' New Partner: What did ya do that for? Brent: I guess I'm retired now. I finally get a chance to sit back and read some comic books. Lacey: Yeah. Take a few years off, then get yourself a green hat and start being cranky to people. Brent: I have no choice. It's genetic. I'm kinda worried about Wanda, though. I don't know what she'll do without the gas station. Seamus: And filling in for the vacationing Beverly Thomson is Wanda Dollard. Hi, Wanda. Wanda: Thanks, Shamey. Wow, that tie really brings out your eyes. Today, my exclusive interview with former President Bill Clinton. Bev: Uh, I'm not on vacation. Seamus: Security. Lacey: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you. I'm selling too. Brent: What? Lacey: Pump N' Go gave me a really big cheque. Brent: Oh, I knew they had those. So you're loaded too. This is great. Grab a green hat, we'll hang out together. Lacey: I can't. I'm going back to Toronto. I'm going to open up a restaurant there. Brent: What? When? Lacey: Today. Brent: You're opening a restaurant today? Lacey: No, I'm leaving today. Brent: Well, and you were gonna tell me...? Lacey: Now. Remember, I just said now is as good a time as any? Brent: Oh, yeah, right. I, I have a hard time with chronology. Hank: This is all my fault. If I hadn't had this prairie dog idea, none of this woulda happened. Lacey: Aw, don't say that, Hank. Brent: We're all thinkin' it, but don't say it. Lacey: I'm gonna miss you, Hank. Oscar: Bye, Lacey. Lacey: Goodbye, you jackass. Emma: Goodbye, Lacey. Lacey: Bye, Mayor Leroy. Brent: I guess this is it. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: Well, don't just stand there lookin' like a tool. Brent: Well, don't just stand there lookin' like a tool. Hank: Huh? What? Lacey: We wanted you to think about your idea before you told us. Wanda: Not just stand there staring into space and then start humming a Blue Rodeo song. Hank: Oh, wow. So, so does this mean Lacey hasn't moved away and, and Wanda, you're not co-hosting Canada AM? Wanda: That's right, Dorothy. Oh, but tonight I am filling in for Lloyd Robertson. Lacey: Why would Wanda co-host Canada AM? Hank: Well, because your sister's a producer on it. Lacey: Now, that is very interesting, considering I don't have a sister. Brent: Are you sure? Because Hank did daydream it. Hank: Or is this the dream? It's real. Hank: I'm just glad my idea didn't actually tear the town apart. Davis: What was your idea, Hank? Lacey: And don't think about it before you tell us. Hank: Oh, okay. I, I thought maybe we could put statues of prairie dogs around Dog River and paint them like the mooses, I mean moose, in Toronto or the cows in Calgary. Brent: That's not a bad idea. Lacey: Every home and business could have their own gopher. Wanda: No, he said prairie dogs. Technically they're different. Brent: Giant prairie dogs would be cool. Karen: Or giant gophers. Lacey: No, I was thinking small, actual size. Oscar: Are you nuts? Big gophers. Emma: Small prairie dogs. Davis: I'm with Emma. Hank: Oh, man, it's happenin' again. It's happening again! Lacey: Whoa, is he okay? Do you think we should go after him? Brent: He seems really worked up. Hey, is that banana loaf? Lacey: Oh, yeah. You guys want some? Emma: Oh, yeah. Davis: Yeah. Oscar: Yeah, sure. Category:Transcripts